Poetry

• New Writing:
  The Ancestors Speak of Aging
• What if it wasn't Our Fault
• Cloudy Weather
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Peace Be With Who?
• I Am More Than...
• City Hawk
• Home
• Spirit Be Free
• In Case You Were Wondering

Prose

• Depression in General: The Fourth of July Specifically
• NEWS FLASH ... NEWS FLASH

Artwork

• Healing Into Wholeness Series
• Hypocrisy, Danger and Betrayal
• A Self-Portrait

Please read first and then see information below about new book release:

On this page you will find some of my poetry, prose and artwork. As you read, please be aware that some of my writings and artwork are very graphic. Because of this, I just want to remind you that If you find anything upsetting or triggering be sure to stop reading and talk with someone about what you are experiencing. My intention is not to shock people but rather to provide through writing and artwork a reflection of some of my experiences, as I remember them. Sometimes it has taken a long time to find the words that even come close to describing those experiences but for me, the effort helps facilitate increased healing, freedom and ultimately, wholeness within me. My hope is that through identification rather than comparison you and others who visit my site and read what is here will find your own connections, insights and perhaps even hope as you move forward on your journey.

On the left of this page are the titles of the poems, prose and artwork I have posted so far. Simply click the title you would like to read and it will take you to that posting. Thank you again for visiting.

In Healing and with respect,

Kathy Dwyer

Just want to let visitors know that the book, "Predatory Priests, Silenced Victims", edited by Mary Gail Frawley-Odea and Virginia Goldner and of which I am a contributing author, has been released (see below) and can be purchased at various book sellers including Amazon.com:

Predatory Priests, Silenced Victims
The Sexual Abuse Crisis and the Catholic Church

Edited by
Mary Gail Frawley-Odea • Virginia Goldner

Published by
The Analytic Press

The brief synopsis below was taken from the back cover of the book:

The sexual abuse scandal in the Catholic Church captured headlines and mobilized public outrage in January 2002. But much of the commentary that immediately followed was reductionistic, focusing on single "causes" of clerical abuse such as mandatory celibacy, homosexuality, sexual repressiveness or sexual permissiveness, anti-Catholicism, and a decadent secular culture. "Predatory Priests, Silenced Victims: The Sexual Abuse Crisis in the Catholic Church", a collection of groundbreaking articles edited by Mary Gail Frawley-O'Dea and Virginia Goldner, eschews such one-size-fits all theorizing. In its place, the abuse situation is explored in all its troubling complexity, as contributors take into account the experiences, respectively, of the victim/survivor, the abuser/perpetrator, and the bystander (whether family member, professional/clergy, or the community at large). Setting polemics to the side, "Predatory Priests, Silenced Victims" provides a sober and sobering analysis of the interlacing historical, doctrinal, and psychological issues that came together in the sexual abuse scandal. It is mandatory reading for all who seek thoughtful, informed commentary on a crisis long in the making and yet to be resolved.

The contributors, all experts on the issues involved in clerical sexual abuse, comprise psychoanalysts, biblical scholars, clergy, historians, victim/survivors, and cultural critics. They include novelist and critic Mary Gordon; Episcopal priest Anne Richards; Catholic priest Tom Doyle; psychoanalysts Richard Gartner, Andrea Celenza, and Adrienne Harris; historian and queer theorist Mark Jordan; biblical scholar Gillian Walker; survivor activist Kathleen Dwyer, and many others. Setting polemics to the side, Predatory Priests, Silenced Victims provides a sober and sobering analysis of the interlacing historical, doctrinal, and psychological issues that came together in the sexual abuse scandal. It is mandatory reading for all who seek thoughtful, informed commentary on a crisis long in the making and yet to be resolved.  

___________________________________________________________

“Peace Be With Who?”
Kathleen M. Dwyer

“May the Peace of the Lord Be with you Always…”

And the sun shone through the stained glass windows, embracing statues, robes
and people. It was as if, while they knelt worshipping, praising and listening
to “His” word, they were wrapped in a ray of holiness…
And that evening, as the sun began to set, she slowly crawled into his bed, for
the “word” had said that God is Father and Father is God…
And that to be in “His” grace you must
“Honor Thy Father and Mother”

“The Mass Has Ended…Go In Peace” 

And the penis became the exploding bomb,
And the semen the fall-out that could not be cleansed;
But the Red Cross did not come…
For there was no war…
There was no death…
There was no destruction
Just
“Our Father, who ar’t in Heaven…”

“Remember O’Lord, Those who have Died…
May these…Find…Peace…”

And she still doesn’t understand why death seems a viable alternative to life.
She has grown now…
Many things are good.
She knows that the scriptures and attitudes that say women must serve men…
That women are evil…
That women are responsible for everything, even death itself
Are not true…
Or, does she?  

“May the Souls of the Faithfully Departed Rest in Peace”
Amen!

Return to top

_______________________________________________________________

I Am More Than...
By: Kathleen M. Dwyer

Listen!
I need to tell you something
Something maybe you haven’t heard
with all the other stuff I've been telling you.
Something
maybe I've not felt...
only known…
till now.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

 I am more than just a victim…
you know all about that part of me …but…
did you know that I am more?
No longer do I try to rationalize…
minimize…legitimize…the events of my life.
I used to…yes…that’s true
but

I SURVIVED!

And it’s true, I was immobilized…paralyzed… terrorized…
for a long, long time
but

I SURVIVED!

And while I know I will
again be victimized…
No longer do I have to analyze…sanctify…fantasize…
what is not…

FOR I AM!  

I AM A WOMAN

Moving gracefully…deliberately…confidently…
where I walk.

Victimized……YES ........Victim…… NO

I AM A WOMAN WHO SURVIVED!

Return to top

____________________________________________________ 

CITY HAWK
Kathleen M. Dwyer

In the middle of the city street
claws wedged tightly into the frozen prey
You actually stayed longer than you should have

Risking that precious second
that might have been the difference between
Life and death

How many of your friends
have you seen taken out
splattered over the pavement from just such a moment of survival?

Perhaps it is an unexpected gift from my past
that I was not surprised to see you staring at me
as you struggled to try to remove both yourself and your prey

Anything is possible
to the extremes of the outer edges
of both the positive and negative

But this morning,
as I obsessively planned, if not my permanent,
at least my temporary departure
You blocked my path…causing me to stop fully…and mirrored
back to me determination, courage and survival

Thank you!

Return to top

______________________________________________________________

HOME
Kathleen M. Dwyer

The home we speak of is not the one that is “where the heart is”…

It is not the building where our “things are kept”…

where our body rests…

or where the children and we return to.

The home we speak of is not the “hometown” of our origin…

the home state from where we come…

the home country we were birthed into.

The home we speak of is the place from where we came…

the place that is before all…

the place that is now…

the place that will always be.

The home we speak of is where we began… and where we will return.

Return to top

_____________________________________________________________________________

SPIRIT BE FREE
Kathleen M. Dwyer

Spirit Be Free…
Now that your capture in this container has ended
May you gently soar among and with All that is Life…

Spirit Be Free…
Go and mingle with All that is Life
Return to from where you came
Bring with you the lessons imprisonment has taught…

Spirit Be Free…
Mourn the tortures of capture; Rejoice the freedom of release
Share the lessons learned and the wisdom gained
With those others opened to learn…

Spirit Be Free…
Rest well; allow strength to return
Home is near
The cycle of birth and death has been completed
Warm, comforting and nurturing embraces await your arrival…

Spirit Be Free…
Take time…
Enjoy the sacredness of home; the gentleness of spirit…
Fuse all lessons into your being…
That should you ever have to return, both home and knowledge
Will be your conscious guide…

Spirit Be Free…
The longing has ended
The aching is over
You are Home now

Spirit Is Free!

Return to top

________________________________________________________________

In Case You Were Wondering
Kathleen M. Dwyer

It is not revenge I am looking for

It isn't’t even justice that I seek

One serves no purpose

The other is not possible

Change is what I hunger for

Change in me

Change in you

Change in our systems

And then, the possibility of accountability and healing may really exist

Return to top

___________________________________________________________________

The Ancestors Speak of Aging
Kathleen M. Dwyer
July 18, 2005

Slipping through the veil that separates

today from tomorrow from yesterday

she seeks understanding about aging from the Ancestors.

They greet her with love and invite her to sit

as they begin to speak gently to her heart.

“Do not loose patience with yourself

not when you forget…not when your muscles become weaker…

not when your skin becomes too big for the body it covers

 Do not loose patience with yourself

not when you become ill…not when recovery slows…

not when you hurt as you move from laying, to sitting to standing.

 Do not be scared, angry or depressed

as your time lessens and you move closer to the door of your beginning

the door to your real home…the door to real sacredness and connection…

This is how it is for all that is life when the cycle begins to near completion

You have worked hard… and experienced much

Your body will carry you to the door

where you will leave it behind as you cross through into a real holy land”

She thought a moment and then said

“But I have much left to do before I cross over…

and the journey home is coming soon.

I fear having to leave before I am done”.

At this the elders smiled and sighed…

each knew what she was feeling…they too had felt likewise

and so, they spoke to her what had been spoken to them…

“Do not worry…when the time comes to cross over you will have done

what you had come to do

and the ways and beliefs of the world you are leaving

will melt away and all that is life will celebrate your return

greeting you with openness and love,

wrapping you gently in a blanket of protection and peace

until it is time for your new lessons to begin”.

With that, the woman smiled and said

“Thank you! My worries have lifted and my fears have vanished

I will continue to work towards knowledge and wholeness

and look forward with hope and trust

to the day my body is shed and I enter through the door of my beginning

to rest from the past and prepare for the future”.

Return to top

_____________________________________________________________

What if it wasn’t Our Fault?
Kathleen M. Dwyer March 21, 2006

What if it wasn’t our fault…

…and we were not an evil child?

…nor were we a child from hell?

…nor were we a child made of shit?

What if it wasn’t our fault…

…and what they told us was all lies?

…and that god didn’t tell them to clean us?

…and that god didn’t tell them to kill our kitty?

What if it wasn’t our fault….

…that we didn’t do anything to make all the bad stuff happen?

…that we were not dirty at the core and in need of cleaning?

…that it happened because of them not because of us?

What if it wasn’t our fault…

…that we are not disgusting…

…that we are not gross?

…that we are “not” but really “are”?

What if it wasn’t our fault…

…but was the fault of the people who did the bad stuff?

…but was the fault of the people who didn’t hold and protect us?

…but was the fault of those who didn’t see, hear or rescue us?

What if it wasn’t our fault? What would that mean to us? What would that mean about the almost 61 years we have lived in this form…in this body? What would it have meant as a child if we could have even thought…for one quick second…it wasn’t our fault?

Right now we seem unable to imagine what that would mean.

The foundation we have walked on would surely tremble and begin to crack, eventually dissolving into nothing more than ashes and dust…leaving us floating, without direction or without connection…in a limbo like place, never to be seen or heard from again…or… maybe not…

Maybe… that is just how it feels it would be.

For we have only seen in our mind those who float aimlessly without direction
... with arms and hands disconnected from shoulders and wrists
... legs and feet disconnected from hips and ankles
... and heads and torsos so far apart it is hard to even imagine they were ever connected

So maybe…just maybe…the real question is can we tolerate the feelings?

…tolerate them without loosing it
…tolerate them without supplying ammunition for the energy that
entombs us
…tolerate them without, as the Cherokee Grandfather explained to the children, feeding the wrong beliefs so that we can keep becoming more of who we are able to be
…tolerate them so that we can name and claim the truth of our childhood
…tolerate them so that we can name and claim our childhood innocence
…tolerate them so that we have a more honest and accurate
foundation to walk upon…to move from…as we recognize the
past, stand in present and prepare for the future
…tolerate them using the understanding that they are, after all, just feelings and not facts.

Images of an elevated, tiny and thin path appears…it is our path and we need help and support to stay in a balanced and strong walk…Faithfully, Wolf walks on one side of us and Dog on the other…swannee swims strong and steady below, ready to catch us should we fall and to return us to this path we must walk and help to grow in width and strength. Eagle, Hawk and Crow circle above and in front of us, scouting and informing us of any tricky stuff that may lie ahead. And Lion stays at the rear to scare off anything inappropriate that may try to reattach to us… and always…always in our sight…is Monarchy reminding us of the possibilities of transformation.

Perhaps now, as winter turns to spring, we really are ready to walk this path.

Return to top

_____________________________________________________

Cloudy Weather
Kathleen M. Dwyer; July 19, 2006

Sometimes and somehow
When the sky is filled with dark clouds
And mid-day is more like dusk
A patch of blue reveals itself
to those of us who walk below

Sometimes and somehow
The dark clouds become inseparable
And no patch of blue reveals itself
But then…even then…deep within our being
We know that just above them lives the blue sky

But then, there are those days…those dreaded days
When the dark clouds are so thick and so heavy
It just doesn't matter what we may have known and seen before
The knowledge of the blue sky that lives above is denied us
And our ability to even imagine a patch of blue is gone

We try so hard to remember that those
are the very clouds that we have survived before
Way too many times to count now
But, even then, we can't stop from asking the question
Can we do it once again?

Return to top

___________________________________________________________

Depression in General;
The Fourth of July Specifically
Kathleen M. Dwyer

It came back yesterday…like an uninvited guest that arrives at your home, party or work. You don’t know how to get rid of him and the longer he stays the more powerless and hopeless you feel to have him leave without upsetting the others or without you doing something you might regret. Initially, you try to adapt and rationalize why he is there and that it won’t be forever. But as he keeps talking and behaving inappropriately you wonder if he will ever leave…and before long, you give up. Your energy has been sapped…and as you look, you might imagine some are okay with him, or at least tolerable of his presence. So you second guess yourself and think this might just be how it is. The thoughts and plans in your mind of ways to make him leave remain, but they are private, and you do the best you can not to act on them. But even when you awake the next morning, you know he is still lurking in the house somewhere…and at any moment…may pop his head in your face and it will begin all over…and you wonder…can you go through it one more time.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that we went down again…that we only slept the one night…after all, it is a holiday and holidays for as long as we can remember bring us down even as we appear to celebrate. As time has passed and the body grew older and carried with it the privilege of adulthood, we were able to withdraw not only physically, but also emotionally to some extent. Fourth of July carries with it not only the family reminders but also the national reminders of illusions, hypocrisy, double messages and oppression. We understand and believe that the denial of our reality makes us feel crazy…it also contributes to us feeling so depressed. From the flags waving and the bands marching to the smells of hot dogs and hamburgers that fill the air to the sounds of children playing, we understand and know that for some, it is all just one more day of illusions and denial. That the next time they go in a store someone may withdraw their hand to avoid touch based only on the color of their skin; that when the sun sets and explosions of fireworks begin, some may be receiving the contents of a way too big penis exploding within her or him. And the next day, when the sun rises and the clean up begins from all the celebrating, they will walk a little slower and look a little shorter as they internalize the weight of the assault. And no matter how many showers or baths they take, the clean up cannot begin. That which was done cannot be washed away…it just gets added to the already uncountable invisible layers of attack, oppression and slime. So, we take our little semen-covered flags and walk to the store waving them to anyone who will look.

Return to top

_____________________________________

NEWS FLASH…NEWS FLASH
Kathleen M. Dwyer

News reports filled with violence after violence done to each other

Prisons filled with countless people who were once victims

Psychiatry and Medical hospitals filled with bodies ravished by trauma

deliberate wounds inflicted by others,

their crushed bodies, souls and spirits piled high

by those they should have been able to trust

Suicides hidden in obituary’s and homicides deemed related only to drugs

Children and adults raped, tortured and abused

served as side dishes as we cook, chew and swallow our “daily bread”

Their spirits screaming for attention; Pleading for outrage

Screaming for help and comfort; Pleading for passion and activism

Silenced by full course meals of disconnection and denial

Served continually by the culture we all share

After all, when denial is the main course that fills eyes, ears, hearts and mouths

How can any individual or group be really seen, heard or acknowledged?

When rationalization is the side dish that fills eyes, ears, hearts and mouths

How can any individual or group be justly seen, heard or acknowledged?

And when minimization is the desert that fills eyes, ears, hearts and mouths

How can any individual or group be really seen, heard or acknowledged?

There is no shortage of stories

Over and over they glare at us until numbness fills our bellie

And we digest irrational excuses to explain away our lack of attention, outrage and acknowledgement

As we pass by the real menu and program as if lost in a fine meal, concert, love or waltz

They theorize that victims will never be, as defined by them, normal

That the wounds of victims will screw them up for the rest of their lives

As if they have no wounds that screw them up

As if the wounds of victims are not theirs wounds as well

As if somehow they have no wounds

Leaving most to believe that victims will be forever fucked up

As if they do not also have the risk of being forever fucked up

Well….Guess what?

News flash!!! News Flash!!!

I am one of them

One who was raped, abused and tortured

One who was betrayed by priest, father and others

And my life is not yet over

You cannot say I will be fucked up for rest of my life

It cannot yet be said about those of us who are still here

Those of us still working on healing

Those of us still working for change

Those of us still healing into wholeness

Those of us still working to make it safer for the generations yet to come

You cannot say we will always be fucked u

At least no more fucked up than you

We are not done yet

We are still healing

And we may surprise you all as we see, hear, feel and speak our truth

So take your damn newspapers

And roll them up for extra firewood

Fold them neatly for your cats to piss on

Or better still, recycle them so we don’t have to destroy

yet another strong and beautiful tree

Take your radios and tune them in to the music

that fills your ears with the denial you seem so desperately to need

Blast them as loud as you need to silence our

Screams for help, acknowledgement and activism

Polluting your spirit and the air we are all breathing

And, while your at it, take your damn TV’s and channel surf until you see what you want and until blindness from what is sets in

But don’t you dare preordain my life and the lives of others who have been abused to one of being fucked up

For I and they have left your world of denial

You can no longer say that about the many women and men

Facing their pasts, living in the present to be more whole in the future

You may not say that about me or about any of the others

until I and they are done

And make no mistake

we are just not done yet!

Return to top

________________________________________________

ARTWORK

Healing Into Wholeness Series

I did the above sculpture in 2003 from a drawing I had done twenty years earlier. This image replaced the life long image that seemed stuck in my head of being alone and curled up in a ball in a corner at the bottom of a stairway in my house. Arched over the drawing I wrote
"And I will never be the same...I went back and held, protected and loved myself."